This entry has been a long time coming... I just could not even put into words the things I have been feeling and the things that have been going through my head. I am going to attempt it now...
On Friday March 17, 2017, I was given the worst news of my life so far: I have breast cancer.
How is one supposed to react to something like this? How am I supposed to deal with this while taking care of my little kids? What did I do wrong to get this disease? Why me? I cannot die! This is not fair!! Shock, fear, sadness, anger, helplessness, and yet an overwhelming feeling of love from those around me. These were all the things that have been racing through my head since the day I was diagnosed.
Here is my story: I have always been healthy. I feel like I have taken pretty good care of my body over the years. I have never smoked or drank or done drug or even had the desire to do any of those things. I exercise (I run marathons for Pete's sake) and I eat relatively well. I did everything I knew of to prevent cancer including breast feeding all of my babies. So what happened? Good question. I know the Lord gives us trials to make us stronger and He will only give us ones that we will be able to bear with His help but accepting this trial has been very overwhelming...
In January, I found a lump in my right breast. The week before, the area was quite tender and felt like a clogged milk duct. So in order to prevent mastitis, I fed the baby on that side and massaged the area and pumped and finally the milk duct released, it was no longer hard and tender, and it felt much better. Then I noticed the lump in the exact same spot like a little bit was still clogged. The lump didn't hurt so I just assumed it would go away and that it was just another milk duct that would eventually work itself out. I have had these little lumps before when I was nursing the other kids and they just went away after a little while so I didn't think anything of it. I continued nursing Charlotte for two more months and the lump just never went away. One night I told Russell that maybe I should go get it checked out. He agreed but I just kept second guessing myself still thinking it was just a plugged duct. I talked to my mom and she agreed with Russell too and told me I should go see the doctor and just see what it was. If anything they can drain the duct so it doesn't turn into mastitis. All this time I am thinking the worst. What if I have cancer, what if it is really some thing bad. I'm not going to the doctor because I don't want to know if it is something bad. Ignorance is bliss, right? So I finally gave in and called the doctor's office for an appointment.
I told the receptionist that I found a lump on my right breast and needed to see the doctor. She told me I could see my doctor in a month or the nurse practitioner in a week. I was kind of mad at this but decided to see the nurse practitioner instead. I was mad that something like this didn't seem to be priority for them because it was a big deal for me. The next week I met with the nurse practitioner and explained the situation. I told her I was still nursing but found this lump. When she did the exam, she agreed that yes there was a lump and it seemed to be quite large. Given my age, elevated hormone levels over the last while, and no history of cancer in my family, she thought it might just be an estrogen induced cyst. She wanted me to get an ultrasound just to know for sure though.
The next day, I had the ultrasound and sure enough there was a lump there. The lump though was very dense and round and definitely not a clogged milk duct but a tumor. The ultrasound tech also thought it might just be a benign cyst but thought we should do a biopsy to know for sure. So the radiology doctor came right in and did the biopsy. Now here I am just like "Um, okay lets do it..." totally in shock that there actually might be something wrong with me. So if you have never had biopsy, let me tell you they are...weird... They did an Ultrasound guided breast biopsy using a core needle. Basically the doctor numbed the area, made a small cut and using the ultrasound as the guide, inserted this massive hollow needle right into the tumor. Then clicked this button and the needle made the sound of a staple gun and bam! snipped a tissue sample right out of the tumor. Then took the needle out and put it back in to get another sample. He did this about four times. It was kind of nerve racking but I held as still as I could. When he was done taking the samples, he used the needle to insert a tiny metal staple-like marker into the tumor. This marked the tumor so that we would know that it had been biopsied before. That part hurt the worst! And it still ached for hours afterward. When it was over they put a little band-aid on the cut and gave me a little ice pack to prevent swelling. Then the doctor told me I shouldn't feed the baby on that side for a couple days and just pump and dump because there would be blood in the milk. Great I thought but at least I had the other side. They told me the results of the biopsy would be back by Friday. I had the biopsy done on Tuesday so I had 3-4 days to sit and worry over the possible results...
When Friday finally came, I still had not heard back about the results of the biopsy. I called the doctor's office to see what was going on. The nurse pulled up the biopsy results and then said, "Well the nurse practitioner is not in the office today but I'll see if Dr. Horsley can read the results and call you back." I said okay but in the pit of my stomach, I knew something was wrong or she would have told me. Shortly after, my doctor called me and told me I had breast cancer... He was very nice about it and concerned but really what could he say to make it better. He asked me how I was doing and if was okay. I told him, "Well its not really the news I wanted to hear..." He was very sorry but he was very hopeful. He said I was healthy and strong and because of that I would make it through this. He was surprised that I was so young but told me that this type of cancer was very treatable. He told me I had done nothing wrong and that cancer just kind of happens to some people. I asked him what the next steps were and he told me I needed to have the lump removed and that he would have the best surgeon call me to set up an appointment. He told me he was so sorry I had to go through this but that I could make it through. I asked him about nursing the baby and he told me I needed to start weaning her off onto a bottle. That was probably the hardest thing to hear.
When we hung up the phone, I just kind of sat there. I was numb I had no feeling but a million things were going through my head a million miles an hour. I couldn't cry because Colby and Logan were there watching me. We were just getting ready to walk Colby to school and go to the park. What was I supposed to do? So I put on a smile and we walked to school. As we arrived at the school, the surgeon's office called and we set up a consultation appointment with Dr. Anderson for the next week. As Logan played at the park, I just sat on the park bench holding Charlotte so close and trying to keep it together. Then Russell called and I about lost it. I told him no everything was not all right and I needed to talk to him face to face. We walked home from the park and drove to the fire station. The first thing out of my mouth when I saw Russell was "I can't die!" and I lost it and just started sobbing. I just kept asking the same questions over and over. What did I do wrong? How can this be happening to me? What is going to happen to my little kids? No one in my family has ever had cancer. Why me? The only thing I can say to describe this time is fear, uncertainty, confusion, and anger. Poor Logan had no idea what was going on and kept asking me what was wrong. He caught on to the dying part and told me he didn't want me to die. This got me sobbing even harder.
Russell and I finally talked it over. Or more like he just assured me it would be okay and we would take it one day at a time. I finally calmed down and Logan, Charlotte, and I headed home. On the way we stopped at Walmart to pick up some baby formula and bottles. I have never had to use formula before so I had no idea what to even get so I just got a couple of different cans to try. It was so crazy I didn't even want to be buying this stuff and then I noticed how expensive it was and almost died.
At home I was still very reserved and just let the kids do whatever they wanted to. Luckily it was a beautiful day so they just wanted to play outside with their friends and I let them. I didn't say anything to the kids about this because really what was I supposed to say to them to make them understand. They don't know what cancer is or what it means so I didn't say anything. I told my parents and they told the rest of my family. My whole family was in shock just like I was and they all called me to talk to me over the next few days. They all wanted to know what they could do for me and I didn't even know what to tell them. With them being so far away, there wasn't really much they could do. Finally I told them to pray and fast for us. Pray that I can make peace with this and that everything would be okay in the end. They all said they would.
I didn't want to tell anyone about this. I don't know if I was embarrassed or just so confused and in shock but I didn't want to talk about it. Then Russell's Aunt Marni called me and told me she knew what I was going through and told me about her breast cancer journey and what to kind of expect over the next few months to a year. I was actually really glad she called because she answered a lot of my questions and just gave me the strength to know that I could live through this. Then two of my neighbors came over and asked me what was going on. One of them said that Logan had told her that his mom was going to die. She though that was a really strange thing for a 4 year old to say so she came over to see what was going on. So I told them. They were also in shock at the news. That is when I noticed Emily listening to everything I told these ladies. When they left I could see the tears and fear in Emily's eyes and immediately went to comfort her. She asked me if I was doing to die and I told her no I was going to be fine. It was right then and there that I made up my mind and was determined to fight this cancer to the end. I could not die. I had to live and fight. There was simply no other option.
Russell came home from work early that night. His captains told him he needed to be home at this time and to go.
Over the next week or two we read everything we could about breast cancer. We learned about the different types, the possible treatment plans, the possible side effects of chemotherapy. We also looked into the various pros and cons of a lumpectomy verses mastectomy as well as possible breast reconstruction options. What were the possible side effects and success rates of each as well as the extensive surgeries and recovery times. I finally got so overwhelmed with information that I just quit reading. In the meantime, I was trying to wean the baby and dry up my milk supply which was very sad and painful. I just wanted to nurse... I was not prepared emotionally for this transition. When I weaned the other kids, I was ready and it was fine but this was really hard for me. Charlotte didn't seem to mind taking the bottle but I did. Finally I read about ways to dry up by using cabbage leaves and peppermint Altoids and those things seemed to really help with the engorgement. And sadly, finally the milk did dry up and Charlotte was on bottles.
My parents came up and stayed with us for a week or so for moral support and to be there when we met with the surgeon and planned the inevitable surgery. It was so nice to have them here during this time. Before meeting with the surgeon I kind of decided that I would just do the lumpectomy, get the lump out and then go from there. This too would change.
We met with the surgeon, Dr. Anderson, on March 27. The first thoughts going through my mind when the consultation was scheduled for 10 days after my diagnosis was, "Hello I'm dying here and we have to wait how many days to see the surgeon?" We were pretty stressed. Then in talking to others, we decided we were pretty lucky to be seen that quickly even though to us it was not soon enough. In our consultation with Dr. Anderson, he told us the results of the biopsy in more depth and the type of cancer I have. Based on the biopsy results, I have Triple Negative Breast Cancer and the cancer cells were a grade 3. A triple negative breast cancer diagnosis means that the offending tumor is estrogen receptor-negative, progesterone receptor-negative and HER2-negative. He told us this type of cancer is very receptive to chemotherapy but also more likely to recur than other types of breast cancer. So one thing we know is that I will have to have chemotherapy treatments. The grade of the cells is based on how different the cells look from normal breast cells. Grade 3 cells look very different from normal cells. They grow quickly in disorganized, irregular patterns, with many dividing to make new cancer cells. So I have a rapidly growing tumor inside of me. Dr. Anderson explained the different procedures we could do to remove the tumor and begin the process. We could do a lumpectomy (just removing the lump) or mastectomy (removing the whole breast tissue). He said both had similar success rates. After discussing the side effects, recovery times, and what would be the best for my situation, we decided on the lumpectomy. Dr. Anderson also said he would preform a sentinel Lymph node procedure to test to see if the lymph nodes had been affected and also had cancer in them. He said he couldn't feel any that were enlarged but they wouldn't know for sure until removing a few and testing them. Before leaving this office, we were scheduled to have blood work done, a chest x-ray, and a mammogram. I was also referred to a Geneticist to have a genetic test done to see if I am a carrier for any cancer causing genes, specifically BRCA 1 and 2. We had also scheduled surgery to be on Thursday March 30.
That night I kind of had a nervous breakdown. I was just so stressed out that I could not control it any longer and just started bawling. I was just looking at my little kids at dinner and just lost it. If you are ever faced with a life changing decision concerning your health, I am telling you right now it is that hardest thing ever. In order to cope with the stress, I used humor. I joked with all my sisters about how I now had an excuse to get my boob job and get the DD's I always wanted. But let me tell you when you are faced with this, that is seriously the farthest thing from your mind. It was really not that exciting, it was actually quite terrifying for me. All of my fears of the unknown came flooding back and I was just so scared. I was terrified of the surgery, I was terrified of not waking up from surgery, I was terrified of seeing pink elephants and hallucinating because of the anesthesia, I was terrified of not recovering from surgery, and most of all I was terrified of the cancer and I was afraid I was going to die. My breakdown triggered something in the kids as well. We had talked to them and told them I had something bad in my body and that I would need to have surgery to get it taken out. Then after the surgery I would need a lot of help and be sick for a while in bed. We told them I had cancer and that we were getting it taken care of and not to worry. We told them that things would be different but that we needed to work together as a family to get through it. They seemed to understand I guess but seeing me crying this night really seemed to make it real. They all gave me hugs and asked me what was wrong and if I was okay. I just hugged them back and said I was sad for a minute. Poor kids. What am I supposed to tell them when I don't know the answers either?
My mom suggested a priesthood blessing as well as going and talking to the bishop. I was okay with getting the blessing but I didn't really know about seeing the bishop. I didn't know what he could say or do to make it better. I had my dad give me a blessing. This was really hard for him. The whole week had been so stressful and I was so worried about myself that I didn't realize how this cancer stuff was taking a toll on my parents and husband and family. Before my dad gave me the blessing, he just broke down as well. I couldn't help but hug him and tell I loved him and that I would be fine. He gave me a great father's blessing and I felt better afterward. Not only did he bless me with strength but he blessed the doctors as well so that they would know how to treat me. Shortly after, my parents headed back to St. George to get some things done before coming back up in a few days.
As if on cue, as my parents were driving away, our bishop and his wife came walking right by our house. I decided to take my mom's advice and set up a time to meet with the bishop right then. He said he could meet that night. Going into his office, I still had no idea how he was going to help me or what I was even going to say. I even told him that I didn't know what he could even do or say to fix this but it was nice to just tell him what was going on and kind of get things out there. Bishop Oyler was really great in that he didn't try to fix it he just let me vent and then said that the Lord gives us trials to make us stronger and then gave me some scriptures and talks to look up. He also challenged me to watch General Conference this weekend and pray for answers. He asked me if the ward could to a special fast for me on Fast Sunday. I was a little concerned about that because I didn't know if I wanted the whole ward to know what was going on. I also did not feel "worthy," I guess you could say, to even ask the ward to do something like that for me. The bishop told me to think about it but he thought it was a good idea. In the end, I asked him for another priesthood blessing which he willingly gave. In the blessing he blessed me with strength to go through this and the peace of mind to know that my family would be taken care of no matter what. Before leaving, I told him that a ward fast was probably exactly what I needed and that I would be so grateful for it. He was very discreet and just told the ward members that I needed some extra prayers and fasting on my behalf due to health concerns. This visit was just what I needed. The problem never changed but I felt better.
The next day Russell and I went to the temple for the first time in a very long time. I don't know why we wait so long. Anyway as we sat in the Celestial Room for what seemed like a long time, I had this feeling that everything was going to be okay. I still had my doubts because I didn't know how it would be okay but the feeling was there that it would be okay. I left the temple feeling much better. As we were getting something to eat afterward, I got a call from the surgeon at about 9 pm. I thought that was really weird but I answered it. Dr. Anderson told me that he had just gotten my biopsy back from the lump on the left side and it came back as normal. The lump was not cancerous!! It was most likely just a milk duct or something from drying up. I could not believe it. I thanked the doctor for calling and he said he thought we would like to know so we didn't have to worry over the weekend. What a relief; good news at last! And what a great doctor for calling us! Russell and I were both happy about that.
Also during this time, the Relief Society presidency visited with me and listened to my story. They sympathized with me but something one of the counselors said really hit me. She said, "God knows you and He knows your family. He know the needs of your family and He knows that they need you. He won't take you away from them when they need you." Now I don't know if she was just saying that to make me feel good or if she was truly inspired to say it but it really struck a chord with me and I took it to heart. I knew what she was saying was true.
Over the next few days, I really tried to pray and figure out what I was supposed to learn from this trial. How was this trial supposed to make me stronger?
Also during this time we did a lot of research into mastectomies, reconstructive surgeries, implant options and pretty much everything. The second lump (though benign) and the nervous break down really got me thinking about whether or not I want to go through all of this again. With the Triple Negative breast cancer, the recurring rate is higher and I really did not want this to recur again. For this reason, I was debating on just doing the bilateral and not having to get breast cancer again (hopefully). But on the other hand, (this is going to sound really dumb but it is really what went though my head) I felt like by getting the bilateral mastectomy, I was in some way betraying the left breast which had done nothing wrong! (I told you it would sound weird.) Anyway that is how I felt and I really felt bad about it. The right side I didn't care about and felt really betrayed and angry at it so I was okay chopping it off but the left side I was sad about. (I am so weird huh.) Well maybe this thinking was all part of a mourning process I needed to go through. I mean don't amputees mourn the loss of their leg or arm when it is gone? I think it is the same thing for mastectomies. Anyway it was a real struggle. The other thing I was nervous about with the bilateral was that I thought I would not be able to hold Charlotte for at least a month while the area healed. This alone was torture to me.
As you can see these last two week have been so incredibly crazy and unfair and overwhelming. I still have so many emotions running through my mind. I don't know how everything will work out but Russell and I are taking it one day at a time because that is really all we can do. Getting the diagnosis of cancer really makes you put life into perspective. The things that I thought mattered really don't and the things that do matter a lot I realized I had been neglecting. A few months back I prayed for an attitude change because I felt ornery all the time. When I asked for that, I did not pray for this but it's what I got. Let me tell you, it was the attitude change that I needed not to mention the life changer that I didn't want. Be careful what you pray for because sometimes you get what you need in a way you really don't want. I am going to take the bishop's advice and watch General Conference with an better listening ear and see if I can figure out what I am supposed to learn from this life changing event I have been given.
To be continued...
When Friday finally came, I still had not heard back about the results of the biopsy. I called the doctor's office to see what was going on. The nurse pulled up the biopsy results and then said, "Well the nurse practitioner is not in the office today but I'll see if Dr. Horsley can read the results and call you back." I said okay but in the pit of my stomach, I knew something was wrong or she would have told me. Shortly after, my doctor called me and told me I had breast cancer... He was very nice about it and concerned but really what could he say to make it better. He asked me how I was doing and if was okay. I told him, "Well its not really the news I wanted to hear..." He was very sorry but he was very hopeful. He said I was healthy and strong and because of that I would make it through this. He was surprised that I was so young but told me that this type of cancer was very treatable. He told me I had done nothing wrong and that cancer just kind of happens to some people. I asked him what the next steps were and he told me I needed to have the lump removed and that he would have the best surgeon call me to set up an appointment. He told me he was so sorry I had to go through this but that I could make it through. I asked him about nursing the baby and he told me I needed to start weaning her off onto a bottle. That was probably the hardest thing to hear.
When we hung up the phone, I just kind of sat there. I was numb I had no feeling but a million things were going through my head a million miles an hour. I couldn't cry because Colby and Logan were there watching me. We were just getting ready to walk Colby to school and go to the park. What was I supposed to do? So I put on a smile and we walked to school. As we arrived at the school, the surgeon's office called and we set up a consultation appointment with Dr. Anderson for the next week. As Logan played at the park, I just sat on the park bench holding Charlotte so close and trying to keep it together. Then Russell called and I about lost it. I told him no everything was not all right and I needed to talk to him face to face. We walked home from the park and drove to the fire station. The first thing out of my mouth when I saw Russell was "I can't die!" and I lost it and just started sobbing. I just kept asking the same questions over and over. What did I do wrong? How can this be happening to me? What is going to happen to my little kids? No one in my family has ever had cancer. Why me? The only thing I can say to describe this time is fear, uncertainty, confusion, and anger. Poor Logan had no idea what was going on and kept asking me what was wrong. He caught on to the dying part and told me he didn't want me to die. This got me sobbing even harder.
Russell and I finally talked it over. Or more like he just assured me it would be okay and we would take it one day at a time. I finally calmed down and Logan, Charlotte, and I headed home. On the way we stopped at Walmart to pick up some baby formula and bottles. I have never had to use formula before so I had no idea what to even get so I just got a couple of different cans to try. It was so crazy I didn't even want to be buying this stuff and then I noticed how expensive it was and almost died.
At home I was still very reserved and just let the kids do whatever they wanted to. Luckily it was a beautiful day so they just wanted to play outside with their friends and I let them. I didn't say anything to the kids about this because really what was I supposed to say to them to make them understand. They don't know what cancer is or what it means so I didn't say anything. I told my parents and they told the rest of my family. My whole family was in shock just like I was and they all called me to talk to me over the next few days. They all wanted to know what they could do for me and I didn't even know what to tell them. With them being so far away, there wasn't really much they could do. Finally I told them to pray and fast for us. Pray that I can make peace with this and that everything would be okay in the end. They all said they would.
I didn't want to tell anyone about this. I don't know if I was embarrassed or just so confused and in shock but I didn't want to talk about it. Then Russell's Aunt Marni called me and told me she knew what I was going through and told me about her breast cancer journey and what to kind of expect over the next few months to a year. I was actually really glad she called because she answered a lot of my questions and just gave me the strength to know that I could live through this. Then two of my neighbors came over and asked me what was going on. One of them said that Logan had told her that his mom was going to die. She though that was a really strange thing for a 4 year old to say so she came over to see what was going on. So I told them. They were also in shock at the news. That is when I noticed Emily listening to everything I told these ladies. When they left I could see the tears and fear in Emily's eyes and immediately went to comfort her. She asked me if I was doing to die and I told her no I was going to be fine. It was right then and there that I made up my mind and was determined to fight this cancer to the end. I could not die. I had to live and fight. There was simply no other option.
Russell came home from work early that night. His captains told him he needed to be home at this time and to go.
Over the next week or two we read everything we could about breast cancer. We learned about the different types, the possible treatment plans, the possible side effects of chemotherapy. We also looked into the various pros and cons of a lumpectomy verses mastectomy as well as possible breast reconstruction options. What were the possible side effects and success rates of each as well as the extensive surgeries and recovery times. I finally got so overwhelmed with information that I just quit reading. In the meantime, I was trying to wean the baby and dry up my milk supply which was very sad and painful. I just wanted to nurse... I was not prepared emotionally for this transition. When I weaned the other kids, I was ready and it was fine but this was really hard for me. Charlotte didn't seem to mind taking the bottle but I did. Finally I read about ways to dry up by using cabbage leaves and peppermint Altoids and those things seemed to really help with the engorgement. And sadly, finally the milk did dry up and Charlotte was on bottles.
My parents came up and stayed with us for a week or so for moral support and to be there when we met with the surgeon and planned the inevitable surgery. It was so nice to have them here during this time. Before meeting with the surgeon I kind of decided that I would just do the lumpectomy, get the lump out and then go from there. This too would change.
We met with the surgeon, Dr. Anderson, on March 27. The first thoughts going through my mind when the consultation was scheduled for 10 days after my diagnosis was, "Hello I'm dying here and we have to wait how many days to see the surgeon?" We were pretty stressed. Then in talking to others, we decided we were pretty lucky to be seen that quickly even though to us it was not soon enough. In our consultation with Dr. Anderson, he told us the results of the biopsy in more depth and the type of cancer I have. Based on the biopsy results, I have Triple Negative Breast Cancer and the cancer cells were a grade 3. A triple negative breast cancer diagnosis means that the offending tumor is estrogen receptor-negative, progesterone receptor-negative and HER2-negative. He told us this type of cancer is very receptive to chemotherapy but also more likely to recur than other types of breast cancer. So one thing we know is that I will have to have chemotherapy treatments. The grade of the cells is based on how different the cells look from normal breast cells. Grade 3 cells look very different from normal cells. They grow quickly in disorganized, irregular patterns, with many dividing to make new cancer cells. So I have a rapidly growing tumor inside of me. Dr. Anderson explained the different procedures we could do to remove the tumor and begin the process. We could do a lumpectomy (just removing the lump) or mastectomy (removing the whole breast tissue). He said both had similar success rates. After discussing the side effects, recovery times, and what would be the best for my situation, we decided on the lumpectomy. Dr. Anderson also said he would preform a sentinel Lymph node procedure to test to see if the lymph nodes had been affected and also had cancer in them. He said he couldn't feel any that were enlarged but they wouldn't know for sure until removing a few and testing them. Before leaving this office, we were scheduled to have blood work done, a chest x-ray, and a mammogram. I was also referred to a Geneticist to have a genetic test done to see if I am a carrier for any cancer causing genes, specifically BRCA 1 and 2. We had also scheduled surgery to be on Thursday March 30.
Wednesday March 29 I had my first (and possibly last) mammogram. I had heard so many horror stories about mammograms but really it was not that bad. The only reason it hurt was because I still had milk in there which, normally, you would not get a mammogram if you were nursing. After having the mammogram, I was waiting in the room for the results when the rad tech came back and said we needed to do a few more slides on the left side. I knew this could not be a good sign. After those were taken, the radiologist said we needed to get an ultrasound on the left side. Another bad sign I thought. After being poked and prodded with the ultrasound paddle, they told me they found another lump in the left breast. Can't I get any good news? This was another blow to my nerves. Now instead of one tumor I had two? What was happening to me? So instead of going into surgery the next day, we had another consultation appointment with Dr. Anderson.
Now with two lumps, I had something more to think about. Rather than a simple lumpectomy, I was faced with a possible Bilateral mastectomy meaning losing both breasts. Dr. Anderson suggested seeing a plastic surgeon for a reconstructive surgery consultation if I was considering this. He recommended us to Dr. Isom for this. The test results of the chest x-ray and blood work came back normal but Dr. Anderson ordered a biopsy of the second lump to see if it was cancerous as well. I had my second biopsy that same day.
The techs remembered me from my previous biopsy only 2 weeks before. They did another Ultrasound guided breast biopsy using a core needle. This biopsy was a little different because the lump was not as obvious as the one on the right side. So they had to kind of search for it. Also the doctor this time must have used more numbing stuff because this biopsy did not hurt as bad as the first one. The crazy thing about this procedure was that I was bleeding a lot worse this time than last time. I don't know why that happened. They told me that I should get the results back by Monday. More waiting...
That night I kind of had a nervous breakdown. I was just so stressed out that I could not control it any longer and just started bawling. I was just looking at my little kids at dinner and just lost it. If you are ever faced with a life changing decision concerning your health, I am telling you right now it is that hardest thing ever. In order to cope with the stress, I used humor. I joked with all my sisters about how I now had an excuse to get my boob job and get the DD's I always wanted. But let me tell you when you are faced with this, that is seriously the farthest thing from your mind. It was really not that exciting, it was actually quite terrifying for me. All of my fears of the unknown came flooding back and I was just so scared. I was terrified of the surgery, I was terrified of not waking up from surgery, I was terrified of seeing pink elephants and hallucinating because of the anesthesia, I was terrified of not recovering from surgery, and most of all I was terrified of the cancer and I was afraid I was going to die. My breakdown triggered something in the kids as well. We had talked to them and told them I had something bad in my body and that I would need to have surgery to get it taken out. Then after the surgery I would need a lot of help and be sick for a while in bed. We told them I had cancer and that we were getting it taken care of and not to worry. We told them that things would be different but that we needed to work together as a family to get through it. They seemed to understand I guess but seeing me crying this night really seemed to make it real. They all gave me hugs and asked me what was wrong and if I was okay. I just hugged them back and said I was sad for a minute. Poor kids. What am I supposed to tell them when I don't know the answers either?
My mom suggested a priesthood blessing as well as going and talking to the bishop. I was okay with getting the blessing but I didn't really know about seeing the bishop. I didn't know what he could say or do to make it better. I had my dad give me a blessing. This was really hard for him. The whole week had been so stressful and I was so worried about myself that I didn't realize how this cancer stuff was taking a toll on my parents and husband and family. Before my dad gave me the blessing, he just broke down as well. I couldn't help but hug him and tell I loved him and that I would be fine. He gave me a great father's blessing and I felt better afterward. Not only did he bless me with strength but he blessed the doctors as well so that they would know how to treat me. Shortly after, my parents headed back to St. George to get some things done before coming back up in a few days.
As if on cue, as my parents were driving away, our bishop and his wife came walking right by our house. I decided to take my mom's advice and set up a time to meet with the bishop right then. He said he could meet that night. Going into his office, I still had no idea how he was going to help me or what I was even going to say. I even told him that I didn't know what he could even do or say to fix this but it was nice to just tell him what was going on and kind of get things out there. Bishop Oyler was really great in that he didn't try to fix it he just let me vent and then said that the Lord gives us trials to make us stronger and then gave me some scriptures and talks to look up. He also challenged me to watch General Conference this weekend and pray for answers. He asked me if the ward could to a special fast for me on Fast Sunday. I was a little concerned about that because I didn't know if I wanted the whole ward to know what was going on. I also did not feel "worthy," I guess you could say, to even ask the ward to do something like that for me. The bishop told me to think about it but he thought it was a good idea. In the end, I asked him for another priesthood blessing which he willingly gave. In the blessing he blessed me with strength to go through this and the peace of mind to know that my family would be taken care of no matter what. Before leaving, I told him that a ward fast was probably exactly what I needed and that I would be so grateful for it. He was very discreet and just told the ward members that I needed some extra prayers and fasting on my behalf due to health concerns. This visit was just what I needed. The problem never changed but I felt better.
The next day Russell and I went to the temple for the first time in a very long time. I don't know why we wait so long. Anyway as we sat in the Celestial Room for what seemed like a long time, I had this feeling that everything was going to be okay. I still had my doubts because I didn't know how it would be okay but the feeling was there that it would be okay. I left the temple feeling much better. As we were getting something to eat afterward, I got a call from the surgeon at about 9 pm. I thought that was really weird but I answered it. Dr. Anderson told me that he had just gotten my biopsy back from the lump on the left side and it came back as normal. The lump was not cancerous!! It was most likely just a milk duct or something from drying up. I could not believe it. I thanked the doctor for calling and he said he thought we would like to know so we didn't have to worry over the weekend. What a relief; good news at last! And what a great doctor for calling us! Russell and I were both happy about that.
Also during this time, the Relief Society presidency visited with me and listened to my story. They sympathized with me but something one of the counselors said really hit me. She said, "God knows you and He knows your family. He know the needs of your family and He knows that they need you. He won't take you away from them when they need you." Now I don't know if she was just saying that to make me feel good or if she was truly inspired to say it but it really struck a chord with me and I took it to heart. I knew what she was saying was true.
Over the next few days, I really tried to pray and figure out what I was supposed to learn from this trial. How was this trial supposed to make me stronger?
Also during this time we did a lot of research into mastectomies, reconstructive surgeries, implant options and pretty much everything. The second lump (though benign) and the nervous break down really got me thinking about whether or not I want to go through all of this again. With the Triple Negative breast cancer, the recurring rate is higher and I really did not want this to recur again. For this reason, I was debating on just doing the bilateral and not having to get breast cancer again (hopefully). But on the other hand, (this is going to sound really dumb but it is really what went though my head) I felt like by getting the bilateral mastectomy, I was in some way betraying the left breast which had done nothing wrong! (I told you it would sound weird.) Anyway that is how I felt and I really felt bad about it. The right side I didn't care about and felt really betrayed and angry at it so I was okay chopping it off but the left side I was sad about. (I am so weird huh.) Well maybe this thinking was all part of a mourning process I needed to go through. I mean don't amputees mourn the loss of their leg or arm when it is gone? I think it is the same thing for mastectomies. Anyway it was a real struggle. The other thing I was nervous about with the bilateral was that I thought I would not be able to hold Charlotte for at least a month while the area healed. This alone was torture to me.
As you can see these last two week have been so incredibly crazy and unfair and overwhelming. I still have so many emotions running through my mind. I don't know how everything will work out but Russell and I are taking it one day at a time because that is really all we can do. Getting the diagnosis of cancer really makes you put life into perspective. The things that I thought mattered really don't and the things that do matter a lot I realized I had been neglecting. A few months back I prayed for an attitude change because I felt ornery all the time. When I asked for that, I did not pray for this but it's what I got. Let me tell you, it was the attitude change that I needed not to mention the life changer that I didn't want. Be careful what you pray for because sometimes you get what you need in a way you really don't want. I am going to take the bishop's advice and watch General Conference with an better listening ear and see if I can figure out what I am supposed to learn from this life changing event I have been given.
To be continued...
